


the ghosts in our eyes, shadows in our hearts

by moon_shadow_boy



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-09
Updated: 2018-12-29
Packaged: 2019-09-14 18:05:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 8,411
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16917723
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moon_shadow_boy/pseuds/moon_shadow_boy
Summary: Remus Lupin has a problem.As does Sirius Black.This is their story.





	1. Remus.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Remus ponders how the hell he got here.

Remus was alone.

 

Given, this was not the first time he'd ever been alone, not by a long shot, but this was the first time he could remember being alone and surrounded by people, people of all different sizes and heights, and even colors. He had not known such people even existed, which, given by his level of intellect, one would not exactly expect. However, Remus Lupin was eleven years old and hadn't set foot outside of his small cottage, except to go into the garden with the high fences so the neighbors couldn't see him. As far as they know, he doesn't exist.

 

It wasn't because his parents were cruel, not at all. they were only looking out for him and the family name. His father, Lyall was in the ministry, and if word got out about the affliction his son suffered from, he'd lose his job and his reputation. Remus would be taken as well, but for some reason, that was never spoken of nearly as much as the possible loss of reputation. Remus didn't mind this either.

 

Every full moon, he'd be alone. He'd be alone in his room in the evenings, and he'd eat alone at his desk. He spent the majority of his life alone, and yet, it never quite felt like this. Because now, he was alone at a train station, his parents gone to work, trusting him to find his way. As he stood, he replayed the conversation that morning in his head.

 

"Remus, darling, you'll make it, won't you? I can drive you to the station, but you'll have to get to the platform and train alone," his mother explained as she carefully plated his bacon and eggs, setting the plate in front of him. This was a rare time he was allowed to eat at the table in the dining room. His father was gone to work, and so Hope, Remus' mother, had little problem with the boy joining for the morning meal.

 

"Yes ma'am," The boy replied politely, sitting up straight in his chair. He looked around, taking in the surroundings and saying a silent goodbye to them. He was going to be at Hogwarts this evening, and he hadn't ever been more excited. Goodbye table, goodbye chair, goodbye strange spot on the wall that had been present for as long as he could remember. If he stared at it for long enough, he could almost make out a face. He blinked, and the face was gone.

 

"Go grab your trunk now, Remus, and meet me in the car."

 

Car. Remus had only ever been in the car at night, once a month, going to the location he had his transformations at. Those rides were silent and painful. But now he sat in the front seat with his mother, in a tattered brown jumper and too-big muggle jeans. He wanted to speak to his mother, but he could sense her stiffness. His mother had always been passively kind to him, but being alone was never something she was comfortable with. She was a muggle, after all. Magical and Dark creatures were frightening, even when one happened to be her son. So he stayed quiet, saying a soft goodbye once she dropped him off.

 

And so that's why he was alone, half an hour early, standing on platform 9. He waited for a clearing in the people, before he yanked his trunk along and through the barrier. He could  _feel_ the magical atmosphere. His eyes widened as he looked at all the people, the children, just like him, standing with parents and relatives, saying goodbye. He swallowed, his eyes flicking over the crowd. He decided right there that he hated crowds, and so he tugged his trunk with him and darted into the train. The small corridors were crowded with children, his age and older, all trying to find seats. Thankfully, he was early and found his way into an empty compartment, sliding the door closed.

 

It took him a very long moment to catch his breath, and when he did, he sighed resolutely. "Alright, Lupin," he told himself, "This is the first day of the rest of your life." And so he took a seat, looking out the window at the parents and children. He spotted a boy his age and found himself watching with interest. The boy was tall, his cloak well tailored to fit, and his hair cropped neatly around his ears. He had the appearance of being extremely snobby and rich, and yet, Remus could tell there was something more. By the way the boy stood, straight and tall with a slight smirk, Remus knew he had something up his sleeve. A long train whistle sounded, and Remus was dragged from his thoughts of this boy to ones of his own. The whistle. It was loud, and something he had never heard before. Now, though, it reminded him of the wind that he heard that night, all those years ago.

 

**\---------------------**

 

_The wind was whistling through the trees with an intensity the boy had not heard before, in his four years. "Almost five," the boy would correct if he heard anyone call him four. He would be five in two short months, a lifetime for anyone his age. It was cold; he could feel it, beneath his blanket, freezing his toes and fingers. Cold and late. So late that he was nearly asleep, his eyes closed until he heard tapping on his window._

 

_Tap. Tap. Tap._

 

_He blinked awake. "Hello?" He asked into the darkness of his room. "Papa? Mama?" He sat up in his bed, his eyes adjusting to the darkness. That was when he saw them. Two glowing eyes in his window._

 

**\----------------------** _  
_

 

"Hey. Heeeeeeeey. Hey!" Remus was jolted awake by a hand on his shoulder. He blinked in confusion. Had he fallen asleep? Clearly, as there was a pudgy and annoyed looking boy standing beside him, tugging on his shirt. Behind him, there was a boy with a mop of black curls, and then the boy from earlier.

 

"Is anyone else sitting here?" Asked Pudgy. Remus shook his head dumbly, and so the others plopped down and instantly began chattering about the school and what was to come for them. They talked of houses and of pranks, and Remus could do nothing but listen.

 

"Oi, you, there. What's your name?" Curls addressed Remus, who didn't respond for a moment. This sent the boys into hysterics. "I  _told_ you that he was slow!" Snob said, and Remus suddenly scowled.

 

"Remus Lupin," He said venomously, sitting up. "I am  _not_ slow." This seemed to quiet the boys for a moment, before they introduced themselves. Curls became James, Pudgy was Peter, and Snob was Sirius.

 

Remus was quiet again, and the boys continued their conversation.  _For fucks sake,_ Remus thought bitterly to himself.  _This is going to be a long year._


	2. Sirius

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Sirius makes some friends, and finds something odd about Remus.

"Hogwarts."

 

The name of the school rolled off of Sirius' tongue like...well. Like something really sweet. He couldn't think up a proper analogy at the moment, due to his excitement. He repeated it all the way to the station, all the way onto the platform, and all the way into the train. One could say he was a little excited.

 

He'd grown up being told that Blacks were the best when it came to school, that they aced every class, wooed every teacher. Not to mention made every boy and girl in the near vicinity swoon. So Sirius was quite delighted to be boarding the train that would undoubtedly lead him to popularity beyond imagine.

 

"Come on, Jamie boy, let's go find somewhere to sit. I didn't sleep a wink last night," Sirius told his friend, James Potter. They'd grown up together as two mischievious pureblood boys. This mischief often got them in trouble, but nevermind that now. They were going to  _Hogwarts._ They had filled a book with all the pranks they planned to pull, and the list would no doubt grow with each new spell they learned. They wandered the corridors, searching for somewhere they could sit alone and plan when suddenly a very short and very...pudgy boy ran directly into James, sending him onto the ground with a very loud  _oomph._

 

"Watch it!" Both Sirius and James barked, glaring at the boy, who suddenly looked very frightened.

 

"I'm sorry! Some boy was chasing me out of the compartment," He explained. "I'm Peter. Peter Pettigrew." He held his hand out, smiling weakly. Sirius took note of his watery eyes.  _A bit like a rat,_ he thought as he shook the boy's hand.

 

"Sirius Black. A pleasure to meet you," he said, his voice extremely proper. Peter look scared for a moment. He'd no doubt heard of the Blacks; everyone had, and everyone knew of their cold reputation. Sirius let the boy flounder for a moment before he grinned.

 

"Oh, don't worry, lad! I won't bite your head off!" He ruffled Peter's hair, helped James up, and suddenly the pair became a trio. They walked around a bit more, catching up with Peter and quickly forming a bond with the chubby boy. Sirius found he was quite funny. They finally found a mostly empty compartment, save for the boy in the corner.

 

"Bit strange, yeah? How's he sleeping? Shouldn't he be excited?" Peter whispered, tugging on Sirius' sleeve. Sirius swatted him away and nodded, carefully observing the boy.

 

"He's really asleep. Let's just go in and sit down. We'll introduce ourselves if he wakes up," James resolved, but the moment they slid open the door, they heard the boy mumbling in his sleep. Sirius and James exchanged a look; this better not be a freak. As it turned out, Peter was the one to venture forward.

 

"Hey. Heeeeeey. Hey!" Peter said loudly, and the speed at which the boy woke up was quite alarming. Sirius believed he saw actual fear flash through the wide amber eyes, but a moment later it was gone. The boy let them sit down, and the three couldn't help but instantly begin to chatter. Sirius felt uneasy with those large amber eyes on him. It made him uncomfortable, and so he nudged James, who finally addressed the intruder. When the boy simply stared, Sirius' couldn't help but scoff.

 

"I told you he was slow!" He said, almost sounding wicked. After a moment, he regretted his word choice. The boy seemed upset, and so he, Peter, and James simply didn't speak to the boy again for the remainder of the train ride.

 

When they arrived and exited the train, the boy, who Sirius now knew was Remus, seemed hesitant to leave his things behind.

 

"Hey, they have elves that come and get those. Don't try and take it. They'll probably be upset you did their job, and punish themselves," Sirius said, a hint of laughter in his voice as he watched the boy reach up to attempt to get his trunk. At the same time Remus turned his head to look at Sirius, his sleeved slid down and revealed a huge gash along his wrist. It was dark and deep and Sirius could  _feel_ the pain of it.  He stared into those eerie eyes before turning away. There was certainly something to be afraid of with this boy. He walked quickly towards James, feeling almost sick with a strange sort of fear.

 

"I don't like that boy, Jamie. He's got something up his sleeve," Sirius whispered to his friend as they followed the crowd of students towards the boats. "Is that a  _giant_?" He then asked, all his fear gone as he peered at the giant man in front of him.

 

"Only half!" The giant, Hagrid, said cheerfully as he helped the students get seated in their boats. One boat fit four, and Remus had taken to following the other three, a bit like a lost dog.

 

"Hey, who said you could sit with us?" Peter asked Remus as the boy began to step into the boat. Sirius watched as his large eyes widened in surprise and fear, and he cleared his throat.

 

"It's fine," He declared, much to the confusion of the other two. The boats set off, safely housing the four boys. The moment the castle came into view, there were very loud gasps.

 

"Bloody  _hell,"_   James whispered as they were led from the boats and inside the great stone castle, where the rest of the students were waiting. Sirius swallowed hard, the first bits of fear creeping into his system. He didn't want to be a Slytherin. He couldn't. James would be a Gryffindor, and they had to stick together. Once they were in the Great Hall, it was almost too much to bear. Sirius looked at James for a moment and felt a bit of reassurance. He could do this.

 

Sirius was one of the first few that were called up. He stepped up boldly to the stool that the ancient Sorting Hat was sitting on and plopped himself down with a grin.

 

_Not Slytherin,_ he prayed inside of his mind as the Sorting Hat considered him.

 

**_Not Slytherin? You're a Black. All Blacks go to Slytherin, my boy,_** The Hat replied, amusement obvious in his tone.

 

_I swear to Merlin I'll burn you in the common room fireplace if you put me in Slytherin._

 

That seemed to be enough for the Sorting Hat, as the next word he said, he said boldly.

 

**"Gryffindor!"**


	3. Remus.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus is not the best at making friends.

**"Gryffindor!"**

 

The entire room fell silent. Not one person moved or even breathed. Even Remus understood why. A Black? In Gryffindor, of all Houses? It was almost too outrageous to fathom. Yet, there Sirius sat, the heir to the Black fortune. A Gryffindor.

 

"Yes! Alright, Sirius!" James began to yell after a moment, which sent the entire Gryffindor table into enthusiastic but mostly polite applause.

 

_Poor Sirius,_ Remus thought to himself as the next students went up to be sorted. It was so loud in this room, and he didn't know anyone. He didn't even know _how_ to make friends. The boys he'd sat with on the way here clearly didn't like him. In fact, Sirius seemed almost frightened of him! Remus wondered for a moment if perhaps Sirius knew his secret. The thought was sickening. So much so that he didn't notice that it was his turn to be sorted.

 

"Get up there!" James roared in his ear, and Remus blinked in surprise as he stumbled up the steps and onto the stool. He felt so small. He knew everyone was eyeing him. More specifically, the marks along his face. He gripped the sides of the stool, praying that he'd even be sorted. What if the Hat didn't put him in a House? What if Remus sat there for hours and eventually Dumbledore told him he'd have to leave?

 

**_Oh, a little creature here_** , the Hat said, not unkindly.  _ **I can't say I've ever sorted someone like you before. Where do you think you belong, Remus?**_

 

This was surprising. Remus didn't know.  _Anywhere. Please. I don't care._

 

**_We'll make a wolf out of this pup. I suppose you'll be in..._ **

 

**"Gryffindor!"**

 

Remus opened his eyes wide in shock, and when he glanced at the crowd of students, he could tell that the trio was surprised as well. He scrambled off the stool and to the table, sitting in the seat beside Sirius.

 

"That's a surprise," Remus heard the other boy mutter, and he felt his face flush red. He left Sirius with no response, instead just sitting quietly until the Sorting was over and James and Peter had joined them at the table. The meal appeared, and all the boys' conflict melted away as they ate quickly, wolfing down the food. Remus knew he had to be careful. He could feel the heat from the silver radiating from the closest dish, and so he carefully picked the food he wanted and began to eat.

 

With full bellies and drowsy minds, the Gryffindors were led to the tower then. The warmth of the fire, mixed with the warm colors of the room led everyone to tuck in early. Remus, Sirius, James, and Peter were sharing a room, and the others hardly seemed to mind that Remus was there. They chose their beds, quickly falling asleep. There was no room for dreams that night, only sweet sleep.

 

\--------------------

 

When Remus woke up the next morning, he almost didn't open his eyes. He wanted desperately to believe that yesterday wasn't a dream. He was warm, for the first time in a very long time, and his stomach wasn't growling with hunger. So when he opened his eyes and blinked, and he was still in a warm bed in a large room, and he heard the sound of Peter snoring, he grinned.  _This is going to be a very good day,_ he told himself.

 

However, when he got up and went into the bathroom with everything he needed to get ready, he saw Sirius was already there.

 

"Morning, Lupin," The boy said, turning from where he was fixing his damp hair. He seemed extremely concentrated, as though his hair were some puzzle to be solved. Remus reached up and tugged at his own curls, before replying.

 

"Good morning, uh, Black." He wasn't sure if they were on a first name basis. Did friends call each other by their last name? That certainly couldn't be right. "Ah-I'm just going for a shower," He told Sirius, as a signal for Sirius to get on his way. He could easily just use one of the mirrors in the room. Yet, the boy did not move.

 

"Sirius? Could you, maybe, if you don't mind, get out?" Remus tried next, and Sirius turned to look at him in exasperation.

 

"It's a bathroom shared between four  _boys_. You're going to have to deal with it." Sirius gave him such an intense look of annoyance that Remus decided that, no, they were not friends, and no, Sirius certainly wasn't planning on leaving. Remus wasn't going to undress in front of him, though. The very idea of that nearly made him shudder, but he remained calm and simply nodded. He looked at the shower, then back at Sirius, who was looking at him expectantly. 

 

Remus heaved a sigh, going and stepping into the shower and tugging the curtain closed so he could undress and set his clothes on the stool outside. He heard Sirius scoff with laughter, and Remus' face burned in embarrassment. He quickly reached for the tap, so distracted that he didn't feel the intense heat. He hissed, tears burning in his eyes as he looked at his already blistered hand.

 

"You okay there, Lupin?" He heard Sirius call to him, his voice amused, and Remus quickly recovered.

 

"I'm fine." He carefully picked up the washcloth, using it to semi-shield his hand from the tap as he turned it on. He took his time, showering very slowly in hopes that Sirius would leave. Sirius, however, certainly wasn't going to give up. He knew that Remus had secrets beneath those scared eyes, and he was going to find them out. He crept to the door, opening it and closing it to make it appear as though he'd left.

 

When Remus was  _certain_ that Sirius had left, he turned the water off. His hand was sore, but he had burn cream in his trunk. He reached for a towel, wrapping it around his face before he stepped out of the shower. Just at that moment, Sirius leaped out from behind the door of the storage cupboard, eliciting a shriek from Remus.

 

"Get out!" Remus shouted, the wolf in the back of his mind growling. Someone had seen the scars! His mind flooded with red as he continued to scream. " _Getoutgetout **getoutGETOUT!"**_

 

"He's mental!" Sirius yelled, dashing from the room and slamming the door shut as Remus sunk to the ground, his throat sore from yelling. James and Peter had heard the yelling and didn't hesitate for even a moment to throw on their clothes, grab their bags, and leave the room. Remus was left alone, his heart pounding as he felt tears in his eyes again. 

 

_Damn it,_ he thought as he stood, his towel now wet from having been on the shower floor. He'd just ruined any chance he'd had at friendship, and it was entirely because he couldn't control his temper. He heard his father in the back of his mind as he reached for the tap and grabbed it, letting the searing pain shoot up his arm.

 

_Bad creatures deserve to be punished._

 

\--------------------

 

Remus skipped breakfast that day, having gotten his timecard in a previous meeting he had with Professor McGonagall before he'd come to the school. He went straight to his first class, which happened to be hers. He waited outside the door, and when the Professor appeared and saw him standing alone in his too large cloak, his eyes weary, she couldn't help but frown. She didn't question it, however, and simply unlocked the classroom with a wave of her wand. Remus picked a seat in the back corner, and soon students began to filter in, including the trio. Remus could feel their eyes burning into him as they picked seats far from where he was. He couldn't blame them, but he could hear their whispers from across the room. 

 

_"Went crazy...yeah, James, of course, I was scared, you were there...no, I didn't wet myself!"_ Sirius' attempts at keeping quiet were pointless. The entire class knew that Remus was a freak. The class was awful, but Remus was surprised to find that he wasn't half bad at the magic. There was one thing he was good at. However, by the end of the day, he was exhausted and just wanted to sleep. James, however, didn't seem like he was going to allow that.

 

"Hey, Lupin," Remus heard James' sneer from across the common room. Remus was just returning from the library, and the three other boys were sitting in front of the fire, casting little hexes at each other. Peter currently had snot dripping from his nose, seemingly uncontrollable. Remus decided not to respond to James because he knew if he got upset and lashed out, he may get in trouble. Going home was the last thing he wanted to do, and so he just played it safe.

 

"I'm talking to you, freak!" James said loudly, causing the entire common room to turn around and look at Remus, small and red in the face. "Why don't you explain to us what happened earlier?" James challenged, standing up with Sirius and Peter and walking towards Remus.

 

"I'm sorry. I was scared." Remus whispered, suddenly terrified. He didn't want to be hit, but James certainly looked like he was going to. That is until a small redhead came rushing up.

 

"James Potter, you leave Remus alone!" Lily Evans said boldly, and that was enough for James to blush and step back for a moment. This allowed Remus to dash off to the room, curling up in his bed and yanking the curtains closed. He stayed perfectly still as he heard the others come shuffling into the room, too afraid to even breathe properly. He eventually fell asleep, his eyes red and watery from unshed tears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, I'm trying not to make the chapters so long, because I don't want people to get bored with the story. I swear, they're going to get better soon!


	4. Sirius.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius ponders Remus.

On the night of their third day of class, Sirius actually decided to work on his homework a little bit. He hadn't done a single thing so far and was falling behind, Unlike Mister Perfect Pants Lupin. Remus was laying on his bed, minding his own business, when Sirius chucked a textbook at him. It landed with a soft thump on his stomach, and Remus winced so much that Sirius nearly felt bad.

 

"Oi. Come help me," Sirius said, in a very demanding tone. Remus looked up wearily, before shaking his head and laying it back on his pillow. He'd been resting his eyes, as the moon was that night. He was tired and lonely and not in the mood for anything but sleeping at the moment.

 

Sirius wasn't taking no for an answer. "Oh, come on! We all have to put up with your bullshit all the time!" He snapped. "The least you could do is help me out here!" He watched as Remus slowly looked at him, slowly got up, and very slowly walked over to Sirius.

 

"What do you need?" He asked, his voice showing every indication of exhaustion. That's when Sirius really started to feel bad, and for once, the raven-haired boy hesitated.

 

"Are you alright?" Sirius asked the smaller lad, feeling a bit confused by the look in Remus' eyes. He looked dreadful. Sirius began to notice that Remus had a thin sheen of sweat on his forehead and that his small hands were shaking. "Do you need to go to Madame Pomfrey?"

 

Remus paused for a moment, before nodding. "Yes. Yeah, I'm sorry. I ought to go see her." He murmured, touching his forehead. Remus turned slowly, reaching for his cloak. "I'll see you tomorrow, Black."

 

Now it was Sirius' turn to pause. "Call me Sirius." He'd never heard the boy speak his name, and he didn't like going by his last name.

 

"We aren't friends. Why would I do that?" Remus asked him, seeming genuinely confused. He was gone before Sirius could answer.

 

Not friends? Of course they weren't friends. But the least Remus could do was address Sirius by his  _name_. All that evening, he thought about Remus' words, and he decided that he felt awful. He resolved to apologize the next morning and perhaps form a friendship with the strange and unpopular boy, but as it turned out, Remus wasn't back the next morning. Or the next. When he finally did return, he didn't even greet the other boys, simply going to lay in his bed. 

 

"Lu-Remus?" Sirius asked as he walked over to the bed that Remus was laying in. "Remus, we're sorry for being awful to you. We can be friends now," He offered, but then Remus snored in reply and Sirius gave up. Instead, he studied the sleeping boy. His hair was light brown, the same color as some of the owls that Sirius saw during mail deliveries. He had white and pink scars all across his face, and Sirius found it remarkable that he'd never really noticed them. At a first glance, they weren't extremely noticeable, except on the crossed the bridge of Remus' nose and another that scratched a jagged line from his cheekbone to his jaw. His shirt was all uneven as if there was something beneath it.

 

Sirius frowned slightly. What had happened? Remus was clearly sick, but when Sirius had gone to see if he was in the hospital wing, Madame Pomfrey had said that Remus had gone home to visit his sick mother. Hadn't Remus been the sick one? Sirius was genuinely confused, but when he reached out to touch at the uneven thing on Remus' chest, he was surprised when the boy grabbed his arm.

 

"Don't touch. It's a bandage. I fell." Remus whispered, his eyes still closed. Sirius, heart pounding, turned away very quickly and walked away from the bed. What sort of fall would leave a boy with such a large bandage on such a small chest?

 

\--------------------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is shorter than my usual ones, but I'm going to try and get two chapters out tomorrow to make up for missing one yesterday!


	5. Remus.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maybe Remus does have some friends.

The morning after the moon, Remus couldn't believe he was still alive. He laid on the floor of the small house that had been built for him, struggling to gather his thoughts.

 

He closed his eyes.

 

He counted to ten.

 

And he began to cry.

 

Remus Lupin was not typically a crier. He'd stopped shedding tears after the moons when he was about seven years old, as his father had scolded him. It was just something he had to deal with, and there was nothing anyone could do about it. No use crying over it. But at this moment, he was so embarrassed, so in pain, so distraught about how things had been going at Hogwarts, that he couldn't help but cry. What made it worse was that he was lying naked on the ground of the shack, nothing to cover him as Madame Pomfrey.

 

"Oh dear," The nurse witch murmured, quickly handing him a blanket to cover himself, before kneeling beside him. As Remus situated the blanket, Pomfrey looked at a rather large gash across his chest.

 

"Alright, Remus. I've got a stretcher for you, okay? Just relax." She was very sweet, transporting him back to the hospital wing and setting him up in a private room. Remus knew he'd spend many nights of his schooling career in this little private room, but he could hardly glance down before Madame Pomfrey was giving him a potion and he slid into a deep and comfortable sleep.

 

\--------------------

 

Remus didn't return to the Gryffindor Tower until two nights after the moon due to the extent of his injuries. The new location hadn't made the wolf side of him very happy, and Remus had suffered due to it. It didn't help that Sirius would always stare at him. At least the three boys were more civil to Remus now, though it felt forced, as though they felt guilty for the sickly scarred boy. Remus disregarded this, focusing more on his school work than making friends. Lily talked to him sometimes. He was alright with that.

 

It wasn't until Remus spoiled Severus Snape's potion two months after the start of term that Peter, James, and Sirius really began to pay attention to him.

 

He hadn't meant to be _rude_. Snape suffered so much torment at the hands of the other three that Remus didn't have the heart to put him through more, despite the fact that Snape was a greasy git. But Remus did have a limitation to his patience, and that came during a partnered potions assignment.

 

"Severus, you need to put in the liver-" Remus was rudely cut off by a disgruntled noise from the boy, followed by a searing glare.

 

"Mind yourself, Lupin. Just cut the frog guts."

 

Remus frowned. All class, Severus had been snapping at Remus, taking control of the potion, and just being downright rude. It was only a couple days after the most recent moon, and he didn't want to deal with any shit. And so Remus cleared his throat with a pleasant smile.

 

"My apologies, Severus," He said simply, dropping in some ingredients. After a moment, he walked over to the supply closet, and then murmured a charm and flicked his wand discreetly in the direction of the cauldron, just as Severus dropped in the livers.

 

_**Kaboom!** _

 

Moments later, the class was filled with very horrendously scented vapor, so thick that they could hardly see three inches in front of them. There were several shrieks, including a rather amusing one from Severus. The next voice was an adult, however.

 

" _Severus Snape! How difficult is it to follow the instructions? Twenty points from Slytherin!"_ Slughorn's voice rang out.

 

_He may be annoying_ , Remus thought, _but at least he's fair when it comes to taking points from his own house._

 

After Slughorn had managed to clear the smoke and restore order to the class, it was too close the lunch for anyone to refocus. They received a bit of free time, and Sirius, James, and Peter made a beeline to Remus.

 

"I saw what you did!" Sirius exclaimed excitedly. "That was so cool! How did you do it?"

 

Remus smiled, a little shy by the sudden attention. "Oh. Just-some ingredients react to certain charms," He said in a hushed voice, not wanting Severus or Slughorn to hear him. Sirius and James continued to chatter on about how awesome it was, and Remus felt delighted. The four of them continued to talk on the way to lunch, and this sort of easy peace continued on. And Remus had  _friends_ for the first time in his life. He had people to really talk to, people to eat with, people to laugh with. He was happy.

 

Of course, happiness is not a permanent word in Remus' vocabulary.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hmmmm. I know I said I was going to do two chapters to make up for missing one, but maybe I'll leave you guys on a cliffhanger.


	6. Sirius.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's almost Christmas, and Sirius find something interesting about Remus.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've built up this Remus thing so much and I'm not even 100% sure what I'm going to do yet whoops

Sirius awoke very early in the morning on December 15th.  _Ten days to Christmas_ , he thought to himself as he got up to use the bathroom.

 

Christmas with the Blacks was never a fun thing. It usually consisted of a small gift, such as quills or shoes, followed by a party. Sirius was often put on display at these parties, presented as the most honorable heir of the most Noble and Most Ancient House of Black. He played the part, in order to not receive punishment from Kreacher. The very thought made Sirius touch him back and close his eyes for a moment, feeling the lashes from magical whips.

 

He was rather rudely pulled from his thoughts by thrashing.

 

At first, he thought it was just James rolling around in his bed as usual. However, the thrashing was followed by a soft thud and an almost animal-like whimper. Sirius frowned, walking back into the main room to see Remus in a small heap on the floor, trying to struggle his way out of the entanglement of blankets. Sirius would have found it amusing had Remus' face not been streaked with tears, glistening on his pale skin with the light from the bathroom.

 

"Hey, hey, Remus, mate. Relax," Sirius said, walking carefully to kneel beside Remus and attempted to help him find his way from his blankets. "Remus, really, calm down."

 

Remus was clearly struggling, still half asleep. He was winded, having landed on a lingering injury from the most recent moon. When he finally opened his eyes, they were supernaturally bright, almost golden, as he looked up at Sirius in a panic.

 

Sirius was speechless for a moment, staring into Remus' eyes. There was something unnatural there, strangely and frighteningly animal. Remus blinked, and it was gone, along with the strange color. 

 

_Must've been the light,_ Sirius convinced himself as he refocused his attention on Remus, whose eyes had filled with tears.

 

"I'm sorry," Remus whispered to Sirius, looking down in shame. "I-I thought-" He swallowed, looking at his hands.

 

"It's okay," Sirius replied, and Remus looked up in surprise. "Hey. We're mates now. Mates don't ask questions, right?" When Remus nodded uncertainly, Sirius helped him back into bed. For some reason, Sirius found himself unable to leave the small boy without company. "I'll stay until you're asleep."

 

Remus was ready to protest, and he opened his mouth to do so whenever Sirius rolled his eyes. "James has bad dreams. I stay with him. Why not you?" And so he did. He fell asleep beside Remus, thoughts of golden eyes and too-pale skin rolling through his mind.

 

\--------------------

 

They didn't speak of that moment again. It was a silent agreement, but whenever Remus had a dream, Sirius would creep into his bed, and the same for Remus. Now, though, it was the night before Christmas holidays began, and Remus was trying to pack.

 

'I don't know why you couldn't stay here with us, Rem," James complained as he threw a dirty pair of socks at Remus' head. It bounced off and hit Peter, who whined. "Shove it, Petey."

 

Remus smiled, before shrugging as he closed his trunk. "Sorry. I'll write. But I have to go. My mum keeps begging me to come and tell her about it." That wasn't exactly true, and Sirius could see clearly that Remus was lying, but he didn't say anything about it.

 

"Well. Have fun on the train by yourself," Sirius teased him, holding up a pair of Remus' boxers. "Can't forget these!" The three boys shrieked in laughter as Remus lunged for them, pummeling Sirius to the ground.

 

\--------------------

 

_"You disgust me!"_

 

**_Crack._ **

 

_"You vulgar little boy! You will learn some respect!"_

 

**_Smack._ **

 

_"I ought to kill you! After this? You'll wish you were dead."_

 

_**"Crucio!"** _

 

\--------------------

 

Sirius woke with a strangled cry, followed by a wave of tears.

 

He hadn't had a dream like that in ages.

 

He found, however, after a moment of soft shushes, that he wasn't alone.

 

Remus was sitting beside him, a comforting hand on Sirius' back and a cool cloth in his hand.

 

"It's okay. I've got you," Remus whispered into the darkness, and Sirius collapsed in his arms. No questions asked, Remus held Sirius and let him sob into his shirt for an hour, simply stroking the boy's hair. Sirius had never, ever felt so comforted after a nightmare. Remus didn't even have to say anything for Sirius to know that he would be there for him for as long as he needed, and that seemed to be enough for him. He would miss Remus over the break.

 

He didn't expect the fact that a different Remus would return to him.


	7. Remus.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christmas goes absolutely nothing like planned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I guess this calls for a small trigger warning, for creepiness? Pedophilia, more like.

Even though Remus is sitting alone on the way home from Hogwarts, he feels better than he ever has before. He's laden with gifts from his friends. Chocolate frogs from Peter, a new quill from James, and a new book from Sirius. He walked off the train to meet his parents, but they weren't waiting for him.

 

This was the first problem.

 

He waited patiently for ages, shivering from cold as he waited outside of the station. A couple people approached him, asking if he needed a ride. He politely declined, holding on to the hope that perhaps his parents would come.

 

They didn't.

 

It was well past nightfall when Remus finally gave up waiting, He'd have to take a bus to the nearest stop to his home and walk the rest of the way, which would likely take him absolute ages as the distance was several miles, at the very least.

 

It was a very good thing that he'd gotten quite used to strangers now, as the bus ride consisted of several very strange people, all standing much too close for comfort. When he got off at his stop, he looked forward with a mixture of displeasure and worry. It was so very cold and much too dark for Remus to feel comfortable walking alone. He tried to remember the spells he was allowed to use outside of school.

 

 

"Lumos," He whispered as he began to walk, finding himself deep in the woods on an empty road before too long. He knew this was the road to his home, and that if he stayed straight that he would be fine. Before long, it was well past midnight and he was still walking.

 

"Remus, you idiot," He whispered to himself as he dragged his heavy bag along. "Why would you bring so much stuff back? You have clothes at home." He scolded himself quietly, feeling all too alone. He imagined that Sirius was beside him, and he smiled at the thought of one of his best mates. Yes, James was on his other side, and Peter was lagging just a bit behind. "It's okay, Peter, we'll wait for-" He froze, suddenly stilling. Half a second later, the steps behind him stopped too.

 

Remus hardly dared to breathe, his heart in his throat. Maybe it was a bird? He began to walk again, listening carefully. He knew that this wasn't Peter, but an adult. He could hear the steps behind him, and so he picked up the pace. So did the stepper. Remus began to run, his heart pounding as he detoured and ran straight into the woods, dodging trees and logs and rocks. This person was after him, and he didn't know how to escape.

 

The good thing about being a werewolf was that Remus didn't tire easily. The bad thing about being  _Remus_ was that where he excelled in agility and endurance, he lacked in coordination. His foot caught on a root, tripping him. He curled in on himself, covering his head with his hands. "Please don't kill me!" Was the first thing out of his mouth.

 

The reply was harsh and wolf-like laughter and the memory of glowing yellow eyes flashed through Remus' mind.

 

_Miss me, pup?"_

 

Greyback.

 

Somehow, Remus could not find words as he felt himself be lifted and pinned against a tree, only staring into the sickly yellow eyes that stared back with a manic and crazed desire.

 

"Do I not get an answer?"

 

These words tore Remus from the trance, and he opened his mouth in a scream of terror, that proved to be a very bad idea, because Fenrir grinned and pressed a long, disgusting nail to Remus' throat. He was holding Remus with one hand tangled in the collar of Remus' shirt, pressing him to the rough bark.

 

"Oh, I remember that scream. You're one of my favorites, pup," Fenrir purred, scratching a thin line down Remus' collarbone. "I remember everything about that night. And now I have you again. Little puppy has grown up, has he?"

 

Remus could feel blood dripping from the cut, and so he shut his mouth. Fenrir breathed rancid breath into the young boy's face, and all Remus could think about was the dead rats that Miss Norris killed in the halls.

 

"Aw, tired of playing already?" Greyback puffed his lip out in a fake pout, before grinning deviously. "We aren't done, my dear pup." With that, he dropped Remus to the ground, who hit his head with a very unpleasant thud. His vision clouded for a moment, but he made to crawl away as quickly as he could.

 

Greyback was having none of that.

 

He snatched Remus' pant leg, yanking him back, dragging Remus over the rocks. "Aw, don't run. I want to tell you the story," Greyback laughed, and horrid and grating sound. "You were so small. I just love little boys." He murmured, his hands on Remus' chest, and for the first time, Remus felt truly sickened and faint.

 

"So tiny. I remember the taste of your blood," Fenrir breathed as he knelt down in front of Remus, who was laying very uncomfortably, rocks digging into his back. Greyback practically carressed Remus' chest as he leaned forward, his breath hot on Remus' neck. "I remember wanting to sink my teeth into that pretty little neck of yours," He whispered as he glanced into Remus' wide amber eyes, a grin forming on his own face. "And your fear. And your  _scream._ " He was salivating on Remus' neck, and Remus gagged. "God, watching your eyes change color was  _bliss."_

 

"Let me go," Remus whispered, his voice full of fear, though his voice was steady. "Please. You've ruined enough."

 

This was certainly not the correct thing to say, because Greyback snarled, his teeth grazing Remus' neck. "Ruined? I saved your life. Your father was a horrid man. If he's bad now, you would've hated how he was," The werewolf growled into Remus' ear. That seemed to be all he was going to say on the subject, because he continued on with his perverted view of the night that changed Remus forever.

 

 "I remember your little pajamas. Footies. Firetrucks on them, correct? Blue with the little red trucks. Did you like trucks, Remus? Do you like them now?" He asked, pressing uncomfortably close to Remus. "You were  _gorgeous."_

 

Remus felt something poking into his stomach, and his breath caught in his throat as he realized what it was.

 

"Please, Fenrir, let me go," Remus begged pitifully, squirming beneath the heavy and smelly man. "Please. Just let me go home."  
  


 

"I think," Fenrir replied, his tongue warm and wet on Remus' neck, "I'll treat myself to a little present first."

 

Remus forgot how to breathe.


	8. Sirius.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where's Remus?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys for waiting for this chapter!

_Dear Remus,_

 

Sirius paused the letter. Remus hadn't answered in several days. It was Christmas Eve now, and they hadn't gotten a single word from their friend. Sirius remembered distinctly the promise Remus had made to write daily, and yet, here they are.

 

"Do you think he's okay?" Sirius asked James, who was sat at the desk in the dorm room, actually doing his homework for once. James didn't even look up as he responded.

 

"He's fine. Probably just got some family stuff he didn't know about," The boy responded. "Come look at this." He beckoned Sirius over, he became aware of the fact that James wasn't working on homework, but was, in fact, working on a Christmas gift.

 

"What the hell is that?" Sirius exclaimed as he looked at the ferocious drawing. "Dear God, James!" It was truly a horrific thing. It looked like a peach-colored blob with a bit of blood on it. It looked like a crime scene. "Did you murder someone? What are you not telling me, mate?"

 

James scowled, shoving Sirius. "You prick! It's Red!" Red was their codename for Lily Evans, or James' obsession. It wasn't hard for anyone to determine who Red was when James spoke about her. He once compared her eyes to a heavenly green, the color of angels' boogers. She hadn't been amused. In James' defense, she was rather good-looking, Sirius thought. Not his type, but decent. This, though? This looked absolutely nothing like her.

 

"Red? After you've mutilated her, maybe!" Sirius said, studying the drawing for a moment before beginning to howl with laughter. "Christ, what've you done? Did you put her in one of those Muggle blenders? Maybe beat her with a stone? No, no, wait. She melted after seeing your wee dick!" Sirius was nearly in tears, and James was highly unamused.

 

"Shove off! It's her Christmas present!" James roared, lunging at Sirius. They wrestled for a while until eventually, they were too tired to continue on. "Come on, then. It's Christmas Eve. I'm sure Remus will write back later," James yawned as he got off of Sirius and stretched. "I'm going to give this to Red in the morning." James carefully sealed the drawing in an envelope that would serenade Lily in song as she viewed the drawing. Sirius rolled his eyes, telling him goodnight as he eventually drifted off to sleep, Remus dancing through his mind.

 

\--------------------

 

Christmas morning was spectacular. Sirius had a fair amount of presents left at the end of his bed, and he was delighted to see one from Remus, as well as a small note.

 

_Sirius,_

 

_Terribly sorry from not writing. I'm sick again._

 

_Happy Christmas,_

 

_Remus J. Lupin_

 

Sirius frowned. Just that? Sirius had written volumes to Remus, and the other boy couldn't spare him even fifteen words? Thirteen words and one letter! Sirius was ready to pitch a fit whenever a drowsy James mumbled a greeting before attacking his presents.

 

_Oh well,_ Sirius thought as he opened Remus' quidditch book,  _maybe he's just really sick._  He wasn't going to let this ruin his Christmas. The entire day was actually lovely, once he'd managed to push Remus from his mind. The feast was great fun, as well as watching Lily open James' present, which ended with James in the hospital wing. ( _"I'll make you look like you made me look in your drawing!"_ Lily had yelled.)

 

There were no more responses from Remus for the rest of break, and Sirius couldn't help but worry. Soon enough, though, Remus was back at the train station, and Sirius and the others went to go pick him up. Upon seeing him, Sirius knew something was horribly wrong.

 

Remus' skin was a sickly pale, with dark, almost purple, smudges under his eyes. He was limping horribly, and he looked so exhausted that Sirius didn't know how Remus was walking. So he did the first thing he could think of. He swept Remus into such a hug that Remus froze in shock.

 

"Remus! Welcome back, mate!" James said, joining in on the hug. Sirius could feel Remus mumble something like a small "hello" into his chest, but he didn't let go until Remus smacked at his hand because he couldn't breathe.

 

Sirius had missed his friend. But he was going to get down to the reason he had responded once over the break.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Should I make a Tumblr blog for this work? Just so y'all can stay updated on when I post?


	9. Remus.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus copes with the aftermath of a painful encounter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Frick this is short I'm awful.

Remus didn't remember too much about Christmas holidays. He was locked in his room for most of it, as he typically was at home. For once, he really didn't mind this fact. He'd rather have time to himself than have to face his parents and tell them the truth about why he was so late that night.

 

But not that it mattered. Remus was back at Hogwarts now, and he never wanted to leave. He felt strange walking these halls with his friends, with such a heavy and dirty secret filling his mind constantly.

 

\--------------------

 

**_"Be a good little pup for me, aye, Lupin?"_ **

 

_"Please don't do this. Please let me-stop it! Let me go!"_

 

_Panic and fear filled Remus' mind as Fenrir did exactly what he'd implied he'd do._

 

**_"Such a wonderful and handsome thing. Shame I can't have you all the time."_ **

 

**_"All grown up now, are we?"_ **

 

**_"Don't cry, Remus. Don't cry."_ **

 

\--------------------

 

"Don't cry, Remus. Don't cry." Remus was shaken from his dream by a warm and familiar voice of comfort, and he could do nothing but stare at the ceiling for a moment. Where to feel? His hands. Soft sheets around him, tangled and damp with sweat. Smell? Sirius' strong cologne, even after a shower. And then he felt warm and strong arms around him.

 

"Re, Remus, hey. Don't cry. It's just a dream, dude. Just a dream," Sirius whispered to him, and he held Remus in his arms as he sat on the bed. "Hey, stop. Stop moving. You're okay. You've had an accident, see? Don't worry. Dreams are awful." Sirius didn't laugh or turn in disgust. He went and got Remus another pair of boxers and pajama bottoms, and cast a cleaning charm on his bed. "There we are, yeah?"

 

Remus watched Sirius with large and glassy eyes, quickly nodding and moving under the blanket to change his pants, clearing his throat.

 

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't-it's just-" Remus couldn't speak about it. It was horrid. And so Sirius just held him, calming him when he needed. This went on for weeks. Remus had dreams every single night, and Sirius was simply...there for him. It was new and strange, but Remus liked having someone be there for him.

 

Eventually, Sirius just started to share the bed with Remus, and as it turned out, this helped the latter a lot. Not only having Sirius during nightmares but having him there all night. Sleeping beside someone was lovely.

 

Of course, James found this odd.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I have learned it's a lot easier to update during school since I have a set schedule. I'm on winter break for about another week and three days, and after that updates will be much more consistent!

**Author's Note:**

> This is going to be updated (hopefully) once a day, and I'm open to suggestions if you guys want to comment some!


End file.
